but there was only the end of the story.
the great warrior said the only thing he wanted was death.so he fought and was fought so hard that he died forty-nine times.
now he will never come to life ever again.
09 November 2010
23 August 2010
Quotes & Memos(5) from Gustav Mahler: Memories and Letters (by Alma)
1910 Christmas
... One day while he was working Gucki stood beside him, watching with engrossment. He was scratching out one note after another. "Papi," she said, "I wouldn't like to be a note." "Why not?" he asked. "Because then you might scratch me out and blow me away." He was so delighted that he came at once to tell me what she said. ...
... I looked after him now just as if he were a little child. I put every bit into his mouth for him and slept in his room without taking off my clothes. We got so used to it that he said more than once: "When I'm well again we'll go on like this. You'll feed me--it's so nice." ...
1911
... When I arrived on board Mahler was already in bed and Frankel was at his side. He gave me his last instructions and warned me not to call in the ship's doctor. Then he bade Mahler a brief and sad farewell. He knew that he would never see him again. ...
... My mother and he wept bitterly. It was the only time during the whole of his illness that he was so utterly disconsolate. When Moll came in, he said again that he wished to be buried in the same grave as our daughter and asked him never to desert me. ...
... During his last days and while his mind was still unclouded his thought often went anxiously to Schoenberg. "If I go, he will have nobody left." I promised him to do everything in my power. Moll too promised to stand by Shoenberg. ...
... Once when Mahler was feeling better I sat on his bed and we discussed what we should do when he had recovered. "We'll go to Egypt and see nothing but blue sky," he said.
"Once you are well again," I said, "I shall have had enough of suffering. Do you remember when you first got to know me you thought I was too happy. I've suffered enough now. I don't need any more chastening. We'll live a careless, happy life."
He smiled tenderly and stroked my hair. "Yes, you're right. God grant I get better and then we can still be happy." ...
... During his last days he cried out: "My Almschi," hundreds of times, in a voice, a tone I had never heard before and have never heard since. "My Almschi!" As I write it down now, I cannot keep back my tears. ...
... Mahler lay with dazed eyes; one finger was conducting on the quilt. There was a smile on his lips and twice he said: "Mozart!" His eyes were very big. ...
... That ghastly sound ceased suddenly at midnight of the 18th of May during a tremendous thunder storm. With that last breath his beloved and beautiful soul had fled, and the silence was more deathly than all else. As long as he breathed he was there still. But now all was over.
... I could not understand it. Was I alone? Had I to live without him? It was as if I had been flung out of a train in a foreign land. I had no place on earth.
I went up to the Hohe Warte, in Heiligenstadt. The bells tolled without ceasing. I had Mahler's photograph beside me and I lay in bed and talked to him. He was still there--not yet in the earth. ...
... I can never forget his dying hours and the greatness of his face as death drew nearer. His battle for the eternal values, his elevation above trivial things and his unflinching devotion to truth are an example of the saintly life.
(THE END)
... One day while he was working Gucki stood beside him, watching with engrossment. He was scratching out one note after another. "Papi," she said, "I wouldn't like to be a note." "Why not?" he asked. "Because then you might scratch me out and blow me away." He was so delighted that he came at once to tell me what she said. ...
... I looked after him now just as if he were a little child. I put every bit into his mouth for him and slept in his room without taking off my clothes. We got so used to it that he said more than once: "When I'm well again we'll go on like this. You'll feed me--it's so nice." ...
1911
... When I arrived on board Mahler was already in bed and Frankel was at his side. He gave me his last instructions and warned me not to call in the ship's doctor. Then he bade Mahler a brief and sad farewell. He knew that he would never see him again. ...
... My mother and he wept bitterly. It was the only time during the whole of his illness that he was so utterly disconsolate. When Moll came in, he said again that he wished to be buried in the same grave as our daughter and asked him never to desert me. ...
... During his last days and while his mind was still unclouded his thought often went anxiously to Schoenberg. "If I go, he will have nobody left." I promised him to do everything in my power. Moll too promised to stand by Shoenberg. ...
... Once when Mahler was feeling better I sat on his bed and we discussed what we should do when he had recovered. "We'll go to Egypt and see nothing but blue sky," he said.
"Once you are well again," I said, "I shall have had enough of suffering. Do you remember when you first got to know me you thought I was too happy. I've suffered enough now. I don't need any more chastening. We'll live a careless, happy life."
He smiled tenderly and stroked my hair. "Yes, you're right. God grant I get better and then we can still be happy." ...
... During his last days he cried out: "My Almschi," hundreds of times, in a voice, a tone I had never heard before and have never heard since. "My Almschi!" As I write it down now, I cannot keep back my tears. ...
... Mahler lay with dazed eyes; one finger was conducting on the quilt. There was a smile on his lips and twice he said: "Mozart!" His eyes were very big. ...
... That ghastly sound ceased suddenly at midnight of the 18th of May during a tremendous thunder storm. With that last breath his beloved and beautiful soul had fled, and the silence was more deathly than all else. As long as he breathed he was there still. But now all was over.
... I could not understand it. Was I alone? Had I to live without him? It was as if I had been flung out of a train in a foreign land. I had no place on earth.
I went up to the Hohe Warte, in Heiligenstadt. The bells tolled without ceasing. I had Mahler's photograph beside me and I lay in bed and talked to him. He was still there--not yet in the earth. ...
... I can never forget his dying hours and the greatness of his face as death drew nearer. His battle for the eternal values, his elevation above trivial things and his unflinching devotion to truth are an example of the saintly life.
(THE END)
picture from: http://www.library.upenn.edu/collections/rbm/photos/mahler/63-3-18.html
18 August 2010
Quotes & Memos(4) from Gustav Mahler: Memories and Letters (by Alma)
... I lived his life. I had none of my own. He never noticed this surrender of my existence. He was so self-engrossed that any disturbance, however slight, was unendurable. Work, exaltation, self-denial and the never-ending quest where his whole life on and on and for ever.
I cancelled my will and being; like a tight-rope walker, I was concerned only with keeping my balance. He noticed nothing of all it cost me. He was utterly self-centred by nature, and yet he never thought of himself. His work was all in all. ...
... Someone observed to me once: "Alma, you have an abstraction for a husband, not a human being." It was quite true. But I treasured every single day of my life in those days. ...
... This summer (1908) was the saddest we had eer spent or were to spend together. Every excursion, every attempt at distraction was a failure. Grief and anxiety pursued us wherever we went. Work was his one resource. He slaved at the 'Lied von der Erde' and the first draft of the Ninth.
（吐槽：这翻译乱七八糟的 = =+）
... On one occasion Artur Bodanzky went up to his room with him, and I spent an hour or so with the rest. He came back with tears in his eyes and said to me in an undertone: "I shall never love any woman as I love Mahler." ...
... Next, I suddenly saw Debussy, Dukas and Pierne get up and go out in the middle of the second movement of Mahler's symphony. This left nothing to be said, but they did say afterwards that it was too Schubertian for them, and even Schubert they found too foreign, too Viennese--too Slav. ...
... I could never have imagined life without him, even though the feeling that my life was running to waste had often filled me with despair. Least of all could I have imagined life with another man. I had often thought of going away somewhere alone to start life afresh, but never with any thought of another person. Mahler was the hub of my existence and so he continued to be. ...
（下面这一段是关键！弗洛伊德出场……）
... In conclusion, he said: "I know your wife. She loved her father and she can only choose and love a man of his sort. Your age, of which you are so much afraid, is precisely what attracts her. You need not be anxious. You loved your mother, and you look for her in every woman. She was careworn and ailing, and unconsciously you wish your wife to be the same." ...
... One night I was awakened by an apparition by my bed. It was Mahler standing there in the darkness. "Would it give you any pleasure if I dedicated the Eighth to you?" Any pleasure! All the same I said: "Don't. You have never dedicated anything to anybody. You might regret it." "I have just written to Hertzka now--by the light of dawn," he said. ...
I cancelled my will and being; like a tight-rope walker, I was concerned only with keeping my balance. He noticed nothing of all it cost me. He was utterly self-centred by nature, and yet he never thought of himself. His work was all in all. ...
... Someone observed to me once: "Alma, you have an abstraction for a husband, not a human being." It was quite true. But I treasured every single day of my life in those days. ...
... This summer (1908) was the saddest we had eer spent or were to spend together. Every excursion, every attempt at distraction was a failure. Grief and anxiety pursued us wherever we went. Work was his one resource. He slaved at the 'Lied von der Erde' and the first draft of the Ninth.
（吐槽：这翻译乱七八糟的 = =+）
... On one occasion Artur Bodanzky went up to his room with him, and I spent an hour or so with the rest. He came back with tears in his eyes and said to me in an undertone: "I shall never love any woman as I love Mahler." ...
... Next, I suddenly saw Debussy, Dukas and Pierne get up and go out in the middle of the second movement of Mahler's symphony. This left nothing to be said, but they did say afterwards that it was too Schubertian for them, and even Schubert they found too foreign, too Viennese--too Slav. ...
... I could never have imagined life without him, even though the feeling that my life was running to waste had often filled me with despair. Least of all could I have imagined life with another man. I had often thought of going away somewhere alone to start life afresh, but never with any thought of another person. Mahler was the hub of my existence and so he continued to be. ...
（下面这一段是关键！弗洛伊德出场……）
... In conclusion, he said: "I know your wife. She loved her father and she can only choose and love a man of his sort. Your age, of which you are so much afraid, is precisely what attracts her. You need not be anxious. You loved your mother, and you look for her in every woman. She was careworn and ailing, and unconsciously you wish your wife to be the same." ...
... One night I was awakened by an apparition by my bed. It was Mahler standing there in the darkness. "Would it give you any pleasure if I dedicated the Eighth to you?" Any pleasure! All the same I said: "Don't. You have never dedicated anything to anybody. You might regret it." "I have just written to Hertzka now--by the light of dawn," he said. ...
06 August 2010
Quotes & Memos(3) from Gustav Mahler: Memories and Letters (by Alma)
... Mahler was extremely susceptible to suggestion. If I had a pain anywhere, he immediately had it too. ...
... We saw more of him at home now than ever before. He could scarcely bear to be parted from the children, and for each he had a special form of entertainment--stories, jokes or funny faces. He loved telling the elder one Brentano's fairy tale--"Gockel, Hinkel and Gackeleia".
... He finished the Sixth Symphony and added three more to the two Kindertotenlieder. I found this incomprehensible. I can understand setting such frightful words to music if one had no children, or had lost those one had. Moreover, Friederick Ruckert did not write these harrowing elegies solely out of his imagination: they were dictated by the cruellest loss of his whole life. ...
... This is the great soaring theme of the first movement of the Sixth Symphony. In the third movement he represented the unrhythmic games of two little children, tottering in the zigzags over the sand. Ominously, the childish voices became more and more tragic, and at the end died out in a whimper. In the last movement he described himself and his downfall or, as he later said, that of his hero: "It is the hero, on whom fall three blow of fate, the last of which fells him as a tree is felled." Those were his words.
Not one of his works came so directly from his inmost heart as this. We both wept that day. The music and what it foretold touched us so deeply. The Six is the most completely personal of his works, and a prophetic one also. In the Kindertotenlieder, as also in the Sixth, he anticipated his own life in music. On him too fell three blows of fate, and the last felled him. ...
... I remarked to him once during a walk: "All I love in a man is his achievement. The greater his achievement the more I have to love him."
"That's a real danger. You mean if any one came along who could do more than I --"
"I'd have to love him," I said.
He smiled: "Well, I won't worry for the time being. I don't know anybody who can do more than I can." ...
... We saw more of him at home now than ever before. He could scarcely bear to be parted from the children, and for each he had a special form of entertainment--stories, jokes or funny faces. He loved telling the elder one Brentano's fairy tale--"Gockel, Hinkel and Gackeleia".
... He finished the Sixth Symphony and added three more to the two Kindertotenlieder. I found this incomprehensible. I can understand setting such frightful words to music if one had no children, or had lost those one had. Moreover, Friederick Ruckert did not write these harrowing elegies solely out of his imagination: they were dictated by the cruellest loss of his whole life. ...
... This is the great soaring theme of the first movement of the Sixth Symphony. In the third movement he represented the unrhythmic games of two little children, tottering in the zigzags over the sand. Ominously, the childish voices became more and more tragic, and at the end died out in a whimper. In the last movement he described himself and his downfall or, as he later said, that of his hero: "It is the hero, on whom fall three blow of fate, the last of which fells him as a tree is felled." Those were his words.
Not one of his works came so directly from his inmost heart as this. We both wept that day. The music and what it foretold touched us so deeply. The Six is the most completely personal of his works, and a prophetic one also. In the Kindertotenlieder, as also in the Sixth, he anticipated his own life in music. On him too fell three blows of fate, and the last felled him. ...
... I remarked to him once during a walk: "All I love in a man is his achievement. The greater his achievement the more I have to love him."
"That's a real danger. You mean if any one came along who could do more than I --"
"I'd have to love him," I said.
He smiled: "Well, I won't worry for the time being. I don't know anybody who can do more than I can." ...
... Another understanding between us, which I understood as little, was that what he said one day was not to hold good the next. It was therefore out of the question for me to say: "But, Gustav, you said the very opposite yesterday" (as he very often did), because he reserved for himself the privilege of inconsequence. This characteristic of his was often a great shock to me. I could never be sure of what he thought and felt. ...
26 July 2010
Quotes & Memos(2) from Gustav Mahler: Memories and Letters (by Alma)
...Our lovely beginning had turned to gloom and misery. His friends could not ever be friends of mine. Since his early youth he had had them clamped to his feet like iron, and i could never regard them with anything but dislike. ...
...So there we were--together again, happy and free of case. But in the next room my downfall was decreed. ...
...He had lived the life of and ascetic and was completely at a loss. The strain of apprehension and self-torture was terrible; sometimes he longed for death, sometimes for life at its firecest. ...
...Only the spirit was to count. I know to-day that he was afraid of my youth and beauty. He wanted to make them safe for himself by simply taking from of any atom of life in which he himself played no part. ...
... Mahler and Strauss enjoyed talking to eath other, perhaps because they were never of one mind. ...
...If and adagio seemed to be lost on the audience, he slowed the tempo down instead of quickening it, as was commonly done. ...
Goldmark & Mahler:
- Well, Master, won't you come to the Opera?
-No, I never listen to Wagner. I'm afraid of getting to like him.
-But, you eat beef without becoming an ox.
...He and I were jealous of each other,at first I of him more than he of me. I was jealous of his past, which in my innocence I used to think very objectionable. He was jealous of my future and that I can now understand.
(Translator: Basil Creighton)
...So there we were--together again, happy and free of case. But in the next room my downfall was decreed. ...
...He had lived the life of and ascetic and was completely at a loss. The strain of apprehension and self-torture was terrible; sometimes he longed for death, sometimes for life at its firecest. ...
...Only the spirit was to count. I know to-day that he was afraid of my youth and beauty. He wanted to make them safe for himself by simply taking from of any atom of life in which he himself played no part. ...
... Mahler and Strauss enjoyed talking to eath other, perhaps because they were never of one mind. ...
...If and adagio seemed to be lost on the audience, he slowed the tempo down instead of quickening it, as was commonly done. ...
Goldmark & Mahler:
- Well, Master, won't you come to the Opera?
-No, I never listen to Wagner. I'm afraid of getting to like him.
-But, you eat beef without becoming an ox.
...He and I were jealous of each other,at first I of him more than he of me. I was jealous of his past, which in my innocence I used to think very objectionable. He was jealous of my future and that I can now understand.
(Translator: Basil Creighton)
19 July 2010
Quotes & Memos(1) from Gustav Mahler: Memories and Letters (by Alma)
...He trusted people blindly, but once his eyes had been opened his distrist knew no bounds. ...
..."Now, what are you going to do about it if he proposes?"
"Accept," I said calmly.
...Suddenly he burst out:"It's not simple to marry a person like me. I am free and must be free. I cannot be bound, or tied to one spot. My job at the opera is simply from one day to the next." ...
A feeling of suffocation came over me. He laid down the law without thinking of consulting my feelings. After a moment's silence I said: "Of course. Don't forget that I am the child of artists and have always lived among artists. And, also, I'm one myself. What you say seems to me obvious." ...
..."Now, what are you going to do about it if he proposes?"
"Accept," I said calmly.
...Suddenly he burst out:"It's not simple to marry a person like me. I am free and must be free. I cannot be bound, or tied to one spot. My job at the opera is simply from one day to the next." ...
A feeling of suffocation came over me. He laid down the law without thinking of consulting my feelings. After a moment's silence I said: "Of course. Don't forget that I am the child of artists and have always lived among artists. And, also, I'm one myself. What you say seems to me obvious." ...
02 June 2010
22 May 2010
a waste of time
周一盼着晚上的工作快点结束。
周二一整天盼着这长长的一天能结束。
周三计划着周四五小时空闲干什么。
周四盼着五小时空闲快点结束。
周五盼着下午睡觉，晚上工作快点结束。
周六盼着晚上工作快点结束，就终于可以结束一个礼拜。
周日终于完全空闲，却已经盼着快点结束下一个周二了。
每个礼拜等着下礼拜一发工资。
每个月等着下个月一号发利息。
永远都在盼着能够快结束今天，结束这个礼拜，结束这个月，这个学期，这一年。
我的一生都是在等待着新的一天，在那新的一天我又等待着下一个新的一天。
周二一整天盼着这长长的一天能结束。
周三计划着周四五小时空闲干什么。
周四盼着五小时空闲快点结束。
周五盼着下午睡觉，晚上工作快点结束。
周六盼着晚上工作快点结束，就终于可以结束一个礼拜。
周日终于完全空闲，却已经盼着快点结束下一个周二了。
每个礼拜等着下礼拜一发工资。
每个月等着下个月一号发利息。
永远都在盼着能够快结束今天，结束这个礼拜，结束这个月，这个学期，这一年。
我的一生都是在等待着新的一天，在那新的一天我又等待着下一个新的一天。
10 May 2010
06 May 2010
03 May 2010
best love story ever
「愛の言葉は難しいよ、お前にはきっと俺の気持ちは永遠に伝わらないだろう。隘路はお前だ、そして俺だ。この溝は永遠に埋まらない。だから橋を架け続ける。濁流に流されたらまた架け直す、壊れ物を抱えた人生か――それでもいいよ、俺はもういいんだ。お前はいずれ投げ出すだろうな。来週か二十年後か、もっと早いかもっと遅いか、疲弊しきって今度こそ本当に俺から去る時が来るだろう。何も残らなかっ人生を呆然と見しめるときが来るのかもしれない。それでもいいよ。俺はお前の背中を見送る、この恋の死を俺は看取る。そこまでの死出の道をひとつでも多くの花で飾ってあげよう。俺にできることはそれくらいしかないから。」
29 March 2010
银他妈再见
我知道写“再见”这个词是超级不适合银他妈的。
说不定这个礼拜它又跑出来了。
但是我真的不知道为什么，还是偷偷跑上来这里，写这句——银他妈再见。
我真的不知道还会不会像爱银他妈一样爱上其他的东西了。
说不定这个礼拜它又跑出来了。
但是我真的不知道为什么，还是偷偷跑上来这里，写这句——银他妈再见。
我真的不知道还会不会像爱银他妈一样爱上其他的东西了。
——————————————————————————
于是多年以后的结论是——会。
只是不知道有没有什么别的东西能够像银他妈一样这么深刻地影响我了……
10 March 2010
但去莫复闻，白云无尽时
我想回故乡去，回到我永远安身的地方，那时我就不会再到远方去流浪。
——I wander toward my homeland, my dwelling place. No more will I roam the far country.
每次看到/听到/想到这句话，都会湿了眼睛。
——I wander toward my homeland, my dwelling place. No more will I roam the far country.
每次看到/听到/想到这句话，都会湿了眼睛。
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